It’s very likely that you’ve heard somewhere that it’s important to set boundaries with other people. Working with clients, I often come across this topic with a large number of them, and it’s often challenging for everyone for different reasons. So, let’s start by exploring what we mean when we say “setting boundaries.” The term itself somehow implies a process of separation, so when we think about setting boundaries with other people, we could say it’s separating ourselves from them, distinguishing what’s ours from what’s theirs. This includes our feelings and responsibilities versus theirs. Setting boundaries can relate to family, work, friends, or partners. You’ve probably experienced doing something because you feel uncomfortable rejecting someone or because someone is encroaching on your personal space, whether physically or psychologically. Of course, it’s normal to sometimes do things we don’t want to do for others or to compromise. However, if this happens too often, and if we feel dissatisfied and frequently find ourselves doing things we don’t want to do or feeling used, it might be a sign that we have a problem with setting boundaries.
Why is it hard for us to say no?
The question arises: why do some people have a harder time setting boundaries than others? There can be many reasons. Sometimes, people who struggle to establish boundaries come from families where boundaries were also unclear. Children took on the responsibility for adults’ feelings, or they witnessed their parents having trouble setting boundaries with them or with other people. These individuals may also struggle to set boundaries with their parents in adulthood. Additionally, the process of raising children often requires them to give up the satisfaction of many of their needs, temporarily or permanently, such as when we teach them to use the potty or when we don’t let them go outside when they’re sick. As a society, we teach children to be obedient, which is necessary and often justified, but we sometimes do it indiscriminately. For example, I remember a situation from kindergarten where our teacher told us we should never say “I don’t want to.” I remember being confused because I wondered, what should we do if we don’t want to do something? The line between politeness and good manners and giving up our needs, even when it’s unnecessary, is thin, so we won’t be rejected.
Often, people who have difficulty maintaining boundaries also tend to avoid conflicts. Now we come to the part where the reason someone has trouble with this is unique to each person, and various questions arise. Are we worried that if we engage in a debate or say what we want or don’t want, we’ll be rejected, dismissed? That we’ll disappoint, anger, or sadden the other person? Are we taking responsibility for others’ feelings? Are we afraid of permanently losing affection? And then, that loss is greater than staying a few more hours at work or promising to do something we don’t actually want to do. This means that we have trouble setting boundaries because, in a way, we’re afraid of losing love. And most likely, we came to this conclusion when we were little. So, this topic isn’t as easy as it may seem. And if you ever wonder, “Why don’t I just nicely say I don’t want something?” Know that setting boundaries is more than just a skill of assertive communication. It’s accepting potential loss and confronting some of our long-standing fears.
How can we get better at setting boundaries?
Now, when we realize that we might have a problem with this and why, how do we work on it? Like any change, it’s important to see it as a process and to be patient with yourself. The first step would be to start noticing when we agree to things that don’t suit us, not just as an automatic process anymore. Like a little alarm, “Aha, I’ve put myself in this situation again.” The next step would be to find a way to buy ourselves time and think, “Do I really want to do this or not?” You can say to someone, “I need a minute or two to think,” or “Is it okay if I tell you by the end of the day?” After that, it would be practicing saying that you don’t want something. To start, it doesn’t have to be a big deal, but when you feel you can do it with small things, you’ll see that you can function like that, and you’ll observe others’ reactions, which may be different from what you expected.
Many people won’t react with anger or rejection as you might have expected. Most people will likely respond with understanding because they have experience with other people. Some people may be confused by your changed behavior, and it may take them some time to adjust to your change. Some people who also have boundary issues, but who cross them with other people, probably won’t welcome this change with great joy. Although it may be hard for you, remember that giving up various desires and free time is also hard for you.
As I mentioned, setting boundaries is much harder for some people than others because underneath it all are some old fears and beliefs. Because the path to change is sometimes rocky, it’s important to have patience and empathy with yourself. Additional anger at yourself won’t help; on the contrary, it can even block us from doing what we believe is best for us.
If you’re interested in this topic and would like to work on it more thoroughly with a psychologist, you can schedule your session on the contact page.