Misconceptions about Confidence
Confidence – you either have it or you don’t, right?
I think the first misconception is when we think of confidence as something you either have or don’t have. Like a beer commercial – you either are or you aren’t. But in reality, in some aspects of our lives, we may feel more confident than in others. While it might be nice to say do these five things and you’ll become a confident person, it’s not necessarily true or achievable. But I admit it sounds very appealing. Of course, there are things that can help us feel better about ourselves, but it’s often more of a process than a few steps to reach the goal.
In reality, moments when we feel like something isn’t going well, and we aren’t good enough, are normal and part of life.
Sometimes people who feel lacking in confidence, for example at work, forget that they had enough confidence to meet someone, fall in love, apply for a job, pass the selection process, graduate, pass a driving test, or go out and do their job.
They focus on the aspect where they don’t feel good, where they’re nervous, where they doubt their abilities.
Others seem to have more confidence, albeit slightly more than others
The tricky part is that we often feel like others have that confidence and that’s why they succeed in life, making us feel even worse when we compare ourselves. And, of course, we don’t know all those people. When we know someone better, we see their internal struggles, so we may notice that someone who’s confident at work doesn’t necessarily feel that way in their romantic relationships, or someone who can speak in front of a large group of people isn’t necessarily someone who feels good about themselves in all life situations.
Social media doesn’t help because everyone highlights the best about themselves and their lives, and we don’t know what each of us is really dealing with every day. Then the feeling that others are doing great intensifies, and we focus on all the things that don’t go well or what we lack.
As a psychotherapist, I have the privilege of hearing real people and the insecurities they deal with. Very successful, loved, beautiful, intelligent people often come to sessions, who may seem very confident at first glance, but of course, each of them has their own doubts and problems with confidence in some aspects of life. Some even feel they have no confidence in any aspect of their lives.
I must be confident, and only then engage in various life challenges and situations
We don’t have to be confident to do something. We can be very insecure but bravely take small steps towards a goal. When we do something that maybe doesn’t go well and slowly progress, we’re actually building confidence.
The problem isn’t the stage fright or uncertainty we feel when we do something, but when we give up because it seems that something isn’t for us just because it may not succeed the first time or because we feel anxious. Then we use the fact that it doesn’t go well for us as confirmation that we’re not “cut out for it.” Sometimes it’s not just confidence that we lack. We need time, experience, determination, courage, perseverance.
So what is confidence, actually?
Confidence is actually a feeling of faith in ourselves, that we can do something, that we’re capable. An example of low confidence might be not even trying something, or we’ve just started, and we feel like we can’t, when in fact, it’s not the result of our actual capacity but our self-image, which can often be distorted.
Besides being a feeling that we can do something, confidence is also a belief that we’re worthy and good. Worthy of love, attention, success.
Having confidence doesn’t mean losing self-criticism, which can sometimes be useful. We can see our mistakes and flaws without devaluing our entire personality. If I feel like I’m worthless altogether, that it’s just a fact, then there isn’t much room left for growth or any real improvement.
How can I have more confidence?
If occasionally you feel like you’re not smart enough, not attractive enough, not interesting enough, not capable enough, that’s a common experience for many people. It can be very unpleasant and painful when we feel like we’re not good enough, that we don’t belong, that we’re not worthy. When we wonder why someone feels they have low confidence, it’s often a personal story for each of us, related to our upbringing, life circumstances, and experiences.
Therapy can be one way to explore that a little better and understand what our painful points are and how to help ourselves with those insights. How to recognize blocks, and maybe some early beliefs about ourselves that hold us back and make us feel bad about ourselves despite the successes we achieve.
And, in the end, there’s a big question, how to accept those parts of ourselves that maybe someone else in our early age didn’t accept? How to deal with those most vulnerable parts of ourselves and instead of rejection, provide acceptance and extend a hand to ourselves to make some changes instead of rejection? It’s often more of a process than an easy decision, but it’s worth our effort.
When we see someone loves and accepts themselves despite mistakes, flaws, and believes they’re still worthy, then we have the impression that someone is confident. That person doesn’t have to be the prettiest, smartest, or most successful but someone who loves themselves despite imperfections. The key to confidence isn’t necessarily to fix all our imperfections, but to accept ourselves as flawed humans who still deserve love.
If you want to schedule a session, online or in person, and embark on a better understanding of yourself, you can write to info@psiholognovisad.com