Various authors have written about common reactions to loss, as well as about the stages of grief. Sometimes, people find it easier when they know that the reactions they’re experiencing are expected and common. Today, we’ll be writing about the characteristics of grief after the death of a loved one. Of course, losses differ in terms of how the loss occurred and who we lost. It’s important that as you read, you understand that grieving is a very individual matter and that reactions can be very diverse. Working with people who have experienced loss, I’ve learned a lot about how different factors influence the way we process loss.
The decision to write about loss today stems from two reasons. The first is that I know, given that the pandemic is ongoing, a large number of people have lost their loved ones, not necessarily because they were suffering from COVID, but because the healthcare system is overwhelmed and people who were suffering from other illnesses may not have been able to receive the care they would have otherwise. In any case, loss is unfortunately something we’ve all experienced and something we will surely experience. The second reason is that this topic marked the beginning of my work as a psychologist. My first client reached out to me for help after the death of a loved one, and from her, I learned a lot about grief and its stages. Since then, I’ve had the difficult but important privilege of supporting many clients through grieving after the death of a close person.
Initial shock
One of the first phases when a person learns that someone close to them has passed away is shock. Whether the death of a loved one occurred suddenly or gradually, violently or by “natural” death, reactions can vary. The first common reaction is shock or disbelief. A person who learns that they’ve lost someone often can’t believe it happened. Sometimes people report feeling like they’re watching a movie, or that everything is a dream and that their loved one will be there at any moment. Sometimes people don’t even remember parts of the funeral or moments when someone informed them or when they realized what happened. Shock and disbelief are more common after a sudden death, although they can also occur after a prolonged illness. Sometimes people feel like it’s not real and that the deceased will appear at the door any minute, that the phone will ring and someone will say there’s been a mistake. Over time, disbelief fades, and the grieving person slowly accepts that the person will not return.
Mixed feelings and losses
Often, a person feels much more than just sadness. Feelings of anger, a sense of injustice, guilt are present. The person often recalls the last moments with the deceased, and if those last moments happened to be a disagreement or discord, it can lead to self-blame. These are all expected reactions. After a long and difficult illness of a loved one, people sometimes feel relief, especially if they’ve been taking care of the deceased and if they’ve been suffering. Then sometimes they feel guilt. It’s normal that despite all other emotions, they feel relief because in a way, they can return to other aspects of their lives.
Sometimes one loss includes various others, so not only has someone lost a loved one, but they’ve also lost another parent for their children, support to deal with all the difficulties that life brings. Since losses at different stages of life mean different things to different people, even within one family, the loss of one member means something different for other members, so it’s not the same experience to lose a brother, spouse, or parent. Often, people find it difficult to see the meaning of life; suddenly, they view life as unpredictable and unjust, and this also represents another loss. Some common reactions also include feeling a loss of control over life, a sense of emptiness, feeling like the deceased is beside us, hallucinations of the deceased, withdrawing from people, insomnia, changes in appetite, and various psychosomatic symptoms.
It’s important to note that it’s expected that people may have hallucinations of the deceased, such as feeling like they’ve seen them on the street or that they’re being called by their name. Since they know it’s impossible, they start to fear that they’ll go crazy. If you’re among those people, know that these are very common reactions after the death of a loved one. One loss can increase the fear of other losses, so someone who has lost one parent may experience increased anxiety and fear regarding the health of the other parent. Periods when grieving is intensified include important dates, often dates that brought joy, such as family members’ birthdays, the deceased’s birthday, and mostly holidays. Then the absence of the deceased family member is felt even more, and the family feels anxiety and emptiness, and difficulty figuring out how to mark important dates without that member.
Getting better
What can also often be expected, both from mourners and their environment, is for them to get better as soon as possible. We’ve already said that grieving and reactions after loss are very individual and depend on various factors. Even when people do get better, they often feel guilty for feeling better while their loved one is gone. Often they’re afraid that if they get better, they’ll forget them, so different feelings are present at the same time.
The grieving process is very complex, and much more can be said about it. It’s important for grieving individuals to have patience with themselves and to understand that it’s a process, and a very individual one. Sometimes all these stages alternate in people, sometimes they feel like they’ll never get better, sometimes they feel better, and then they realize it’s still extremely difficult
. The death of a loved one is a very difficult thing, among the most painful life events. It can’t be surgically dissected into stages, and there’s no clear recipe for someone to get better as soon as possible. What I can say is that if you’re the one who has lost someone, I’m sorry, and I hope you have patience with all your emotions and that you can find the support you need. If you’re supporting someone who has lost a loved one, listen to them when they tell you what they need and be patient.
If you feel the need for additional psychological support, you can contact me through the contact page and schedule a session.